You’ve probably had people tell you that you need to kick your loved one out of your home if they are using. Although there’s lots of advice out there, it can be hard to know what is the right decision for you and your family. Every situation is different and one size doesn’t fit all. In all the talk of using “tough love” there is often little discussion about what factors you may want to think about when making the decision to tell your loved one to leave the home.  In this post we will outline several things to consider in making this tough decision and then give you easy-to-follow guidance to apply these factors to your life.

How To Assess Your Own Boundaries

Boundaries are our limits about what is okay or not okay in a relationship. For example, you may have a boundary that there is no name calling during fights between you and partner. If name calling happens during an argument you have a plan in place to stop talking immediately and leave the room. Or, you may have boundary that your sister can’t spend time with your kids when she’s been drinking and, if she has been, you reschedule the playdate.

Which boundaries you choose, and how you respond to boundary violations, are up to you. Instead of thinking that everyone should have the same boundaries, we want to suggest that what’s important to consider is your own unique boundaries. It’s important to pick boundaries that you can live with. After all, you are the one who is going to set and maintain the boundary, so you want to make sure that you pick ones that feel right for you.

It’s helpful to consider why you are creating these boundaries. Boundaries set in order to practice self-care or protect yourself or the rest of your family from your loved one’s difficult behaviors feel very different than boundaries intended to “punish” the loved one for their use.

It’s also helpful to consider whether there could be several smaller responses to boundary crossings that might be create (e.g., removing privileges, closing accounts, asking your partner to sleep in a different room) before a larger more difficult boundary protection (e.g., kicking them out of the house) is implemented. One is like making adjustments with a screwdriver and the other with a sledgehammer. Which tool, and which impact, makes the most sense for you and your situation?

Here are five factors to consider when creating boundaries that relate to your loved one who is using drugs or alcohol (including whether you will be OK with your loved one using drugs or alcohol in your home):

1. Consider the impact of your loved one’s use on you and your family's emotional and physical health. Does the stress of your loved one using at home feel like it’s becoming too much to handle? Are you suffering from anxiety or depression that you believe is largely due to the stress of having a loved one who uses? If your emotional and physical health are being seriously impacted by your loved one’s addiction, it may be time to consider what would be best for you. If you have other family members in the home, you may also want to consider their physical and emotional health. If their health is being significantly impacted by your addicted loved one, it may be time to consider what boundaries you can set to reduce the negative impact of the addiction on you and your family. Just because your addicted loved one’s life seems like it’s going down the toilet, doesn’t mean the whole family has to go with them.

2. Consider your financial resources. If your loved one moves out of the house, do you have the financial resources to care for yourself or others? Will you have housing and health insurance? Are there family members or friends who can help you out financially?

3. Consider your values. Think about the type of partner or family member you want to be. What do you want to be remembered for by your friends and family? Consider your values about self-care and the way you want to care for yourself. Your health and happiness are important too. If you could have the kind of relationship with yourself that you’ve always wanted, what qualities would define this relationship (for example, I’d be kind to myself)? How much do these factors matter in the decision to have them to move out?

4. Consider your ability to maintain boundaries. If you know that you won’t be able to resist your daughter coming back home after she’s fired again for drinking on the job, then having the boundary that she cannot live with you when she is drinking will probably be ineffective. However, if you know that you are willing to withhold giving her money while she is living with you, then this may be a more effective boundary. Again, pick boundaries that you can live with and follow through on.

5. Consider your willingness. Setting and maintaining boundaries may initially make your loved one angry, upset, or confused. It is important to recognize your willingness to tolerate this distress (remember, if there is a danger of domestic violence, always take action to ensure your safety). If setting and maintaining limits is tough for you, then you probably want to spend some time planning for how you will cope with your loved one’s distress when you set and hold boundaries.

The decision to set and maintain boundaries (such as whether or not to kick your loved one out of your home), is not easy. Considering the above factors may give you some insight about what limits you can and want to set to help you and your loved one.

As always, please remember that you don’t have to make these decisions on your own! If it would help you to talk with others to apply these skills to your situation, consider finding a group, attending a family event, or connecting with a CRAFT-based provider. You are not alone in this!