How to Clarify Your Boundaries with Want Willing Won’t
by Cordelia Kraus
With new skills, learning the ideas themselves can be easy, but putting that new knowledge to work within our lives? That’s a whole different story!
For me, this is especially true in the work of setting and maintaining boundaries. Often boundaries are difficult to figure out and even harder to act on if they’ve been crossed.
Want Willing Won’t is a tool that helps bridge this gap between knowledge and action by offering a way to find greater clarity. And when our boundaries are clearer to us they are much easier to set and maintain.
The Want Willing Won’t Tool
Want Willing Won’t is a set of questions that, when asked in any situation, creates clarity by offering contrast between what I am willing to experience and what I’m not willing to experience in order to pursue what I want. This awareness of what I want, what I am willing for, and what I won't do gives me a compass to navigate a path for moving forward, even if someone else is doing something I really don’t like.
The Want Willing Won’t questions:
What do I want out of this situation?
What am I willing to experience? (I may not want it… but I’m willing for it.)
What is it that I won’t do… or at least I won’t let happen without a response?
We’ll expand on each of these questions in a moment, but let's take a bird’s eye view first.
Overview
Let’s say my child and I have an ongoing pattern of getting into nasty and combative arguments when engaged in difficult conversations. In situations like this, one very understandable but unhelpful temptation is to focus on the other person’s behaviors. If I take that stance in an argument with my kiddo I might be pulled to say something like, “You can’t talk to me like that!!”. The problem is "you can't talk to me like that" isn’t actually accurate… physics, biology, and chemistry clearly allows them to do exactly that. It’s also not helpful.. since I can't actually control their mouth! And yet… I know I don’t want to get locked into another argument…
This is where the practice of Want Want-Willing-Won’t might help as it encourages me to slow down and become more aware about my part of the situation and how I can respond within it.
Here's what it might sound like if I applied those three questions to my situation:
What do I want out of this situation?
I want to be able to have an honest and difficult conversation with my child.
What am I willing to experience? (I may not want it… but I’m willing for it.)
I’m willing to be around raised voices and general swearing. I don’t like it…but I’m willing to be around it as long as the conversation still feels productive. I’m willing to feel frustrated. I’m willing to not know what to say.
What is it that I won’t do… or at least I won’t let happen without a response?
I won’t stay in the conversation if I’m being sworn at directly. I won’t swear back.
That feels a heck of a lot better, and more doable, than my previous unhelpful way of getting through that scenario. I know what I Want, I can practice Willingness around the things that are hard or uncomfortable, and I have a plan for what I’m going to do if the situation crosses the line into a Won’t.
A closer look at each of the three questions.
Want: “What do I want out of this situation?”
The answers you come up with to this question are the things that you want from the situation you are thinking about, stated in a positive way. They might be things that you want out of the experience, relationship, situation, or yourself. Often these wants are based on values…those qualities of life that you would like to embody.
Some examples of wants that are positively stated:
I want to be kind.
I want to be connected to my spouse.
I want to say this hard thing.
I want to spend time with my daughter.
I want to be compassionate, gentle, and strong.
Stating the wants positively is important. As an example, “I want to stop yelling” is a want that is stated negatively…meaning that I want to take something away (my yelling) instead of stating it positively… (adding something). Although I want to stop yelling seems instructive, it actually doesn’t give me any clear information about what I actually want… only about what I don’t want. We can often find the positive by flipping the negative. “I want to stop yelling” could be restated as “I want to keep a slow, even, and kind tone when speaking”. Now I have more guidance about how I actually want to show up!
How would you restate some of these negatively stated wants into a positively stated wants?
“I want my son to stop drinking” → ______________________________________
“I want to quit thinking about my sister’s drinking all the time” → ______________________________________
“I want to stop avoiding doing my taxes” → ______________________________________
“I don’t want my daughter to fail high school” → ______________________________________
Willing: “What am I willing to experience? (I don’t want it… but I’m willing for it.)”
The answers to “Willing” contain the things that you don't necessarily want, but are willing to experience (either externally or internally) in the situation.
Some examples of Willing that are positively stated:
I’m willing to feel: uncomfortable, frustrated, resentful, sad, uncertain…
I’m willing to hear curse words from the other person.
I’m willing to stumble over my words, or not say this “right” or circle back and apologize.
I’m willing to meet my sister at a coffee shop earlier in the morning so she’s less likely to be intoxicated
The things in the “willing” column are not disconnected from the wants; they go hand in hand. I want to say this hard thing and I’m willing to stumble over my words or feel uncomfortable… because saying this hard thing is so important to me.
And, here too, the language we use matters. It's really helpful if the answers in Willing are positively stated.
Also notice that, although I might Want something for someone else, my Willing and my Won’t answers have to be things that I can actually choose in order for those answers to be effective. Willingness to experience emotion, willingness to do something, willingness to speak are all things that I actually can decide on.
“I want my son to drink alcohol more responsibly. I’m willing to take the time and effort to practice the positive conversation skills with him to help him explore this.”
Won’t: “What is it that I won’t allow to happen… without a response?
The answers to “Won’t” are those things you are not willing to do or experience - those things, based on your own values and your own self-care, that you have limits around. Again, stating these answers positively and having them grounded in what you can actually do – and what you will actually follow through on – is key.
Here are some examples of Won’ts that are positively stated and focused on my response:
I won’t wait for more than 20 minutes.
I won’t continue a conversation that I don’t feel I can keep my cool in.
I won’t stick around in arguments where I’m being sworn at.
I won’t make excuses for her boss.
I won’t stay on the phone with him if he’s intoxicated.
I won’t continue to watch her grades slip without contacting her guidance counselor.
Notice all of these statements are about me and how I can respond.
Let’s go back to the statement “you can’t talk to me like that.” Said like that, that’s not actually a helpful boundary but…. “I won’t stick around for arguments where I’m being sworn at” …. Is something that I both have a choice in and can follow through on.
A thought: One common struggle in maintaining boundaries is the follow through. In this practice it is important to only set boundaries that you are actually willing to follow through on; it’s better to not set a boundary at all than it is to set one and then not maintain it.
Boundaries that are voiced but not maintained aren’t boundaries, they are preferences. And it’s okay to have preferences! The problem is, when we say we are going to do something and then don’t follow through, we are teaching our loved ones, and ourselves, that when we set a boundary it actually doesn’t matter. Often this arises from two situations… either I’m not really clear what the limit was (I haven’t really figured out what I’m okay with and what I’m not) or I don’t have a realistic plan for what my response will be.
The process of intentionally asking yourself the Want Willing Won’t questions creates clarity for what your boundaries look like in any situation and often offers a realistic plan for follow through.
All together now…
Put together, Want Willing Won’t can sound something like this:
How do I address my spouse’s drinking and driving?
I want to talk with my spouse about his drinking and driving. I want him and others to be safe. I’m willing to feel uncomfortable having the conversation. I’m willing to practice my CRAFT communication skills and take the time to write it out beforehand. I’m willing to “not say it right” and make a mistake and circle back another time. I won’t have the conversation when he’s been drinking already. I won’t stay silent when it happens anymore (though I’ll wait to have the conversation when he’s sober and I’m willing to wait until the next day.)
How do I help my sister who is drinking too much?
I want to help my sister access treatment. I’m willing to take some time to research appropriate resources for her. I’m willing to role play the “invitation to treatment” conversation with my CRAFT group for practice. I’m willing to be patient and watch for “windows of opportunity”. I’m willing for her to tell me “no.” I won’t spend more than 2 hours a week looking for resources. I won’t listen to her complain about drinking anymore without using that window to invite her to treatment. I won’t drink with her anymore. I want to continue to meaningfully connect with her. I’m willing to put effort into asking more open ended questions about the rest of her life. I won’t allow her drinking to define the entirety of our relationship.
I’m nervous about going to my first CRAFT-based family support group…
I want to get some more support in this new approach and have a way to practice my new skills. I won’t keep this a secret any more. I’m willing to feel uncomfortable and nervous and show up anyway. I won’t talk though; for this first time, I want to just listen. I want to be respected in this decision, I’m willing to tell them I’m just there to listen… and if I feel pressured to talk, I won’t stay.
I also want to make this very clear…. Whatever your boundaries are, they are yours to choose. One size definitely doesn’t fit all here. What might be a good fit for me might be a terrible choice for you…and only you can define what works well for you and your life.
It’s okay to change your answers through time and situation. Something that you were willing to do in the past might now be a won’t for you. That’s okay.
And this work can get really complicated. For example…
My son is violent when using and it no longer feels safe for me to have him in the home…what am I going to do?
I want to keep my son safe… I used to be willing to have him in my home, but from experience we’ve learned that he becomes physically violent when he uses… so now I won’t allow him to stay inside the house anymore…because I want to keep my other family members safe too. I’m willing to look up shelters for him. I’m willing to have him pitch a tent in our backyard. I’m willing to buy or find a used tent and sleeping bag for him. I’m willing to feel uncomfortable and guilty about him potentially being on the street for a while. I won’t give him cash right now but I’m willing to meet with him in public to give him food a few times week. I won’t stay in a conversation where I feel disrespected or threatened. I want to stay connected with him so I’m willing to pay for his cell phone service. I’m willing to try him staying at home again after he has demonstrated consistent safety and respect towards us for a few months.
(Again…this is an example of a process…not an answer for what you should do…)
Putting it into Practice
Any tool, skill, or perspective is only helpful if it is actually put into practice. When taking the leap from idea to action, this is where the rubber meets the road.
And, as with any successful practice, we’ll want to start with something that is not as difficult before applying it to things that are really hard and complex.
Everyday Examples
Here are some examples of Want Willing Won’t being applied to more everyday, and likely easier, situations:
I’m nervous about seeing the dentist…
I want to have healthy teeth…I am willing to go to the dentist and get cleanings and fillings. I won’t schedule anything else for the rest of the day so that I can be gentle with myself.
How can I meet with a friend who is forgetful and still take care of myself?
I want to see her, I’m willing to be disappointed if she doesn’t show, I won’t go to a coffee shop I don’t like going to (so if she flakes out on me I’ll have gone to a place I would have enjoyed without her anyway).
How can I plan for this hike when the weather is unpredictable?
I want to stay warm and dry. I want to go on a hike. I’m willing to get a bit soggy. I’m willing to pack extra clothes for the car ride home just in case. I’m willing to do a shorter hike if needed. I’m willing to check the weather report and won’t go if it looks like it will be torrential all day.
Your turn!
What are some situations in your own life that you might want to practice this on? Start with easy scenarios and work your way up.
Easier:
What’s for dinner? → _______________________________________________________________
Harder:
How do you want to navigate that annoying situation where someone is stealing your yogurts at work? → ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Even More Complex:
You are worried about how much alcohol your loved one might drink at an upcoming wedding… What are your Want, Willing, Won’ts in this situation? → ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I appreciate you working with this a bit!
Your Willingness to put effort towards practicing and struggling with this tool can be really helpful if you Want to be able to use it when you need it. That said, if this doesn’t feel like a good fit, or if you just don’t have the energy right now…that’s a Won’t…and that’s okay too.
As always, let me know if you have any questions!
Attribution: This tool was adapted from the Want/Will/Won’t list as described on Dr. Lindsey Doe’s YouTube channel “Sexplanations.” I am unsure of who originally created this excellent tool… but I am grateful to them!